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So this is what acting is like...

I've always had a curiosity for acting. It probably started when I was 8 years old, imitating everyone and everything, right down to crying scenes and foreign accents, and being an emotional wreck since then lol.

Everytime I would cry my mom would say "JEEZ, maybe you should be an actress when you grow up. What an act!"

There's a thousand different meanings to that one phrase, but I won't get into that.

Sad that the acting classes are over. Today was the day long workshop for auditions and monologues. Learned a lot. Got really revved up to do my monologue, but ended up going last, and while I was saying the beginning I went blank. I really had my lines down too, so I was really disappointed and flabbergasted and ended up asking for my lines twice. I think it was because the camera was set up behind my classmates/audience, and I didn't know where to focus my eye contact.

However my teacher made us all go through the monologues again, and I did mess up the lines slightly, but just the order in which way they should go, not the emotion. I didn't get flustered. And the emotion was definitely there.

It's strange how I try to connect with the dialogue. I tried to connect to O-Ren Ishii's character, growing up half Chinese/white and taking over the Yakuza means racial discrimination, so I tried to remember my own feelings of when I lived in Ada. So the anger came very naturally for me. Let's just wait and see what it will look like on camera though >.>;;

And partly the other reason why I got nervous is because there's a cute guy in my class lol. He's obviously a university student, kind of a jock (which is weird because I'm NEVER attracted to jocks, especially after having been bullied by them all throughout middle school and junior high). Anyway he had to leave partway through the workshop to go take a final in another building. However he returned when the monologues were starting.

I kept trying to tell myself, don't pay attention to the cute guy, and what he will think of your angry face, etc. The things that go through my head lol. After all this time thinking I would try and set myself apart from most Asian actresses and NOT care about what the hell my face looks like, therefore resulting in genuine acting. Yeah that failed lol.

After the class was over he came over to tell me that I make a very convincing O-Ren. I was very grateful. I told him I liked his monologue from Fight Club lol. God I love that movie. This other older lady named Kim joined in our conversation to say how well I did. Before we did the monologues she asked if I had any prior acting experience, which she assumed I did from all our class exercises lol. I don't know if she was just being nice, or maybe she wanted compliments in return, or if she really felt I did a good job when it came to acting. I can't read people >.< She was certainly a genuinely nice person though, that I CAN tell.

I hate myself for being a total chicken and not asking said cute guy for contact info, or at least saying something like "see you around" or "hope to see you in another class" or something. *sigh* See why I kept telling myself NOT to be nervous? There's no point in being nervous if he's not in my future somewhere. I like beating myself up. And it's so rare that I find someone I'm attracted to. *sigh*

Movie class has been extended to two more classes, this Thursday being ADR, and the next NEXT Thursday being the wrap party. I'm going to buy a finished DVD of the movie for sure lol. My sister said she can always make a trailer out of my scenes if I want to use them for auditions and such.

I don't know if I'm ready to go out and audition already for roles in complete stranger's films. I don't know if I'm socially ready yet haha. I'm starting to wonder if I will be qualified to attend Cornish, since I don't really have much acting or performing experience at all. I know I'm a decent singer... but knowing that isn't really going to help, since I have no performance experience to prove it, besides the audition process. I don't know if I will enjoy theater or not. But I sure as hell think I will enjoy films lol. Even though I had to film SEVERAL takes/angles on ONE scene, and a lot of work went into just this one low budget student film, it was really fun.

Would improv and that sort of thing help? I'm wondering if that is only beneficial to theater acting. The same teacher is holding improv and character classes this summer, and I'm wondering if I should take those instead of attempting Cornish. Or maybe I should at least ATTEMPT to audition for Cornish to see what I can do financially and IF I even get accepted... If I decide not to go, and instead try my hand at others indie films... I'm not sure what would be the beneficial route. Having gone part time at work may help some, but I still have to work around others schedules, not my own. I guess I can worry about that a little later.